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A coaching client collapsed into the chair across from my desk, her face telegraphing defeat. “I barely survived a lunch break with ‘Paula from Payroll.’”
“‘Lexy,’ what happened?” I asked.
“Paula looked at my quinoa bowl and said, ‘So, you’re dieting—Is it working?’ Then she asked, ‘Are you still doing the dating apps? What’s it been, a year?’”
A few questions later, I had the lay of the land: Paula specialized in remarks and compliments gift-wrapped in razor wire. She commented on Lexy’s dating life (“Another? That’s… brave”), her lunch choices (“Going low-carb again?”), her caffeine habits (“Three shots of espresso? Everything okay?”), and even her Slack emoji use (“You’re so positive in team meetings. I could never keep up that front”).
Over time, these comments piled up—like thumbtacks on a chair. Barely visible, but hard to ignore when Lexy sat down. Let’s call what Paula dished out what it is: covert judgment.
Here’s what I told Lexy, “If you don’t handle these emotional paper cuts and those who voice them, they’ll chip away your confidence and siphon your energy.”
For those of you who work alongside similar microaggression sommeliers, here’s your playbook:
Fix One: Stop Trying to Impress the Unimpressed
Confidence termites act like they’re the final word on taste, ethics, or behavior. Spoiler: they’re not. You don’t need to justify your lunch, your dating life, your enthusiastic staff meeting participation, or your caffeine dependency. Let go of trying to win approval and respect from those who feel tall when they’ve cut you down to size. That game? Not yours to play. Save your energy for people who matter.
Fix Two: Don’t Internalize
Mean girls thrive on control disguised as concern. When a vibe vampire side-eyes you and makes a cutting comment, don’t take their snark to heart. If you do, you collude with them, allowing them to poison your self-esteem and weaken your spirit. Once you mentally ingest their garbage, it becomes your garbage. You’ll find yourself saying, “He thinks I’m stupid; I wonder if he’s right;” or “She said I acted like a fool; everyone’s probably laughing at me.”
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Fix Three: Cool. Neutral. Done.
Mood leeches feed on your reaction. Starve them. When one of them lobs a loaded comment, keep your response low-drama and high-boundary:
- “Huh.” (Classic.)
- “Good to know.”
- “Yep, still doing what works for me.”
- “Interesting take.” (Translation: Heard you. Not buying it.)
Short. Calm. Uneventful. Watch how fast they stop playing when you stop responding.
Fix Four: Draw the Line.
If you work with a self-righteous ranger, sometimes you need to mark the edge of what’s acceptable. Try:
“Hey, I know you probably don’t mean it this way, but some of your comments feel unnecessarily personal. I’d appreciate it if we could keep things work-focused.”
If they mock you for being “too sensitive”, they’ve just confirmed they’re not as harmless as they pretend. That’s documentation-worthy, and you may need to loop in a manager or HR.
Fix Five: Opt Out of the Judgment Game
Here’s the root fix: anchor yourself. Decide what matters to you. If you know why you’re making the choices you are, others’ judgment becomes a frequency you no longer tune into.
Buzzkill squad members may never stop commenting. That doesn’t mean you have to keep listening. It’s your life, your career, your joy. Here’s the punchline: when Lexy stopped reacting to Paula’s jabs and started owning her choices with quiet confidence, something shifted. Paula’s words landed with less sting. Because here’s the truth: others have opinions. You get to accept the ones you value and what you toss.
So, eat the quinoa. Go on the date. Send the emoji. Live your life like it’s nobody’s business—because newsflash? It isn’t. You’ve got nothing to prove. And better things to do.
© 2025 Lynne Curry, PhD, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
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If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy https://workplacecoachblog.com/2016/01/how-to-survive-workplace-mean-girls/ and https://workplacecoachblog.com/2018/05/mean-ex-coworkers-made-my-life-hell-now-i-have-a-chance-to-get-back-at-them-should-i-take-it/ and Beating the Workplace Bully, https://amzn.to/2UNMcyX, 143 reviewers on Amazon gave it 4.6 out of 5 stars.