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Question:
When I started working for my new, now ex-employer, my manager greeted me warmly and encouraged me to let him know what I found interesting and what I struggled with. “If you don’t tell me your challenges, I can’t help you overcome stumbling blocks.” At the end of the first month, he again told me he valued openness, honesty and transparency.
In the first all-hands meeting I attended, our CEO began his lecture with “Transparency is our culture” as he talked about his vision for the future. He closed the meeting by saying, “We want every employee to bring their whole self to work here. Authentic dialogue builds trust.”
I took those statements to heart. During meetings with my manager and he asked me why I hesitated before answering a question, I admitted I had a bad habit of overthinking answers. He urged, “If something’s on your mind, just say it.” I then told him I found working with one of the senior reps difficult, and he laughed, saying , “You’re not the only one. What’s she done now?”
After struggling for weeks with one of our company’s intricate software programs, I asked the IT manager a series of questions. After the third answer, he referred me to the vendor’s online tutorial, and I told him found the tutorial “daunting,” that I learned better when someone walked me through the steps or at least answered targeted questions. He shut me down with, “Spend more time with the tutorial; training new hires isn’t in my job description.”
Then, I really blew it. I vented over coffee to a friendly teammate—how unsupported I felt by the IT guy, how tense things felt with the senior rep. She nodded like she got it and shared her own stories about both. A week later, my manager pulled me aside and asked why I was “spreading negativity.”
That conversation didn’t last long. HR summoned me the next day and told me, “We’re letting you go.” I’m kicking myself now.
Answer:
You crossed the fine line between openness and oversharing. Here’s what you need to understand:
Be honest. Just not naked.
“Bringing your whole self,” doesn’t mean bringing your unedited self. Transparency isn’t about streaming your internal monologue in real time. You can be truthful without being raw. Honesty needs to be grounded in self-awareness and framed around growth. Here’s the difference:
- Open, honest, responsible: “This project stretches me. I’m learning as I go. Here’s how I’m tackling it.”
- Unwise: “This is daunting. I don’t know how to do this. I need someone to walk me through the steps.”
The first builds trust and invites collaboration. The other transfers your anxiety onto someone else and creates risk.
Recognize the difference between trusting and venting.
The teammate you confided may not have intended throwing you under the bus—but once workplace venting circulates, it morphs. She may have told her manager, “I’m not the only one who has a hard time with the senior rep.” Her manager then carried that tale to your manager who heard you were being negative.
Before speaking up, ask yourself:
- Am I looking for support, or just releasing tension?
- Can I share this in a way that shows growth or effort—not just frustration?
- Would I be okay if this got back to my manager?
Watch out for “sunlight culture”—when leaders preachy transparency, but don’t mean it. .
Some leaders talk a big game about authenticity and openness but stay tightly zipped up themselves. In these workplaces, you’re rewarded for looking real, not being real. If your manager encourages feedback, then bristles when you offer it, you’ve just stepped into the glare of fake sunlight.
You’ll know you’re in one of these cultures when:
- Your manager says, “Flag problems early,” then penalize you for doing so.
- Your manager preaches transparency but reacts defensively to critique.
- Senior managers invite feedback—but only from top performers.
The bottom line: Be real but smart. Give your manager and colleagues access to your process, not your panic. Share your growth edges, not your raw edges. If a manager asks for transparency, pay close attention to what happens when you offer it. Real culture isn’t in the slogans. It’s in the consequences.
If you found this article useful, you might like: https://workplacecoachblog.com/2025/02/oversharing-can-you-please-curb-your-tmi/.
© 2025 Lynne Curry, PhD, SPHR, SHRM-SCP