I delivered a three-hour workshop to a CEO Peer Advisory Group recently, where one of the members talked about the difficulty (putting it mildly) of having a civil conversation with someone who stands on the opposite side of one’s political views. He described how emotion instantly hijacks such an encounter.
The topic was raised amid how high-performing peer advisory groups achieve meaningful dialogue. For example, when someone makes a comment that sparks a visceral response of disagreement, you have two choices: 1) Confront the person about why you think they are wrong without a complete understanding of their point of view or where it comes from, which only escalates the conflict, or 2) Take a breath, lean into your curiosity, and ask questions. Embracing Option 2 as part of your identity can be a game changer for every aspect of your life.
Doing so will keep you from jumping to conclusions, rushing to judgment, or proceeding any further based on erroneous assumptions. It also sends a signal to the person espousing their opinion that they can put down their weapons – you want to learn, not judge. You are open to listening to their viewpoint and understanding the personal experiences that helped them arrive at it. This simple conversation hack speaks to Stephen Covey’s Habit #5: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
So, I asked the CEO group members how many of them had either heard or were taught by their parents to refrain from engaging in conversations about politics and religion. Every one of them raised their hand. That being the case, I suggested that it’s no wonder why we are unequipped to engage in such dialogue. We were taught to avoid it at all costs. Adults didn’t coach us to be curious or seek to understand. As a result, we defaulted to a mindset of judge and win; when we do that, nobody wins.
What if…
…we grew up in a world where we were taught differently? That it was preferable to be curious and respectful. For many of us for whom that ship has sailed, all we can do now is incorporate what members of the highest-performing CEO forums practice at every meeting – “Be curious, not judgmental.” – a quote from Walt Whitman and a lesson retold to us by Ted Lasso. Check out one of the best scenes from the series when Ted and Rupert squared off at darts. (It’s a must-see!)
What if the next generation of elementary school kids were taught curiosity, vulnerability, and respect in a way most of us never were? Just yesterday, I learned about a practice that my granddaughter’s second-grade teacher (Shanna Roll) uses daily in her classroom: Clearings and Celebrations. While it’s not new, this was the first I had heard about it being used quite this way. Here’s how she does it:
- Clearings: The students are asked to express their feelings, issues, or concerns. This step allows for addressing and releasing negative or sad feelings in a supportive and non-judgmental environment where the students feel safe to disclose what’s on their minds.
- Celebrations: Students accentuate the positive, express gratitude, and celebrate the achievements of others in the class. This step helps reinforce positive behavior, inspire confidence, and strengthen relationships.
When I asked my granddaughter to share some examples of clearings, she mentioned being nagged by a splinter and talked about another student who was sad because her dog was sick.
Shanna Roll describes the exercise this way: “Our class begs for clearings and celebrations. We make it a safe space and have created a little classroom family. If we clear, we’re letting our peers know of our troubles but promise to be the best version of ourselves. I believe it helps them be able to support and check in on each other. It is such a great lesson in teaching empathy. I also love hearing all the celebrations that the kiddos get to have outside of school. It allows them to feel valued and appreciated and cheer each other on.”
When these second graders become adults, I believe they’ll have the tools to talk about all aspects of life that will be light years ahead of what most adults are capable of today. My hope is that they will stand on the shoulders of what their second-grade teacher imparted to them and teach it to their own kids. What a gift that would be. There is nothing like the positive ripple effect teachers can have on the world.
Clearings and Celebrations
My clearing is that I am distressed by our inability to have constructive conversations – particularly about politics and faith. We need to do better. Try asking questions and listening. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person, but you will make them feel heard, and you might actually learn something. I hope more of us will do so more often. As for celebration, I celebrate Shanna Roll, who does her part in the classroom every day.
If you’re a CEO, team leader, or teacher and want to inject some curiosity, mutual respect, and appreciation into the world, give Clearings and Celebrations a try. You will advance the quality of the relationships among the people closest to you and make your contribution to improving the public discourse – a pretty good ROI for a small investment of time.
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Written by Leo Bottary.
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