Unmasking the Outsider: Many women can relate to the Outsider archetype, especially those who find themselves in environments or workplaces where they are in the minority. This can be in relation to gender, culture or other aspects of their identity. Because she is different, she constantly feels like she has to work to belong, and because she feels she doesn’t fit in, it can elicit feelings of self-doubt and alienation, always feeling like she is on the outside looking in.
In male-dominated industries and workplaces, women can struggle to have their voices heard and their ideas taken seriously, elevating this feeling of not belonging and not being respected. Biases and gender stereotypes can make women question their competence and undermine their confidence. Where there is also a cultural lens, women who feel like outsiders can feel even more marginalised under the weight of societal and cultural expectations and discrimination, however subversive it may be.
The Outsider’s base belief is, ‘I must prove my worth to belong’. If you can relate to any of the following statements, you may see yourself in this archetype:
I often feel like I don’t fit in at work or in other situations where there are not many people like me.
When I look different or think differently to other people, I question whether I really belong.
I feel like I’m constantly having to prove myself and what I’m capable of to gain acceptance.
The Outsider’s journey is shaped by a continual search for validation and acceptance, especially in situations where she feels different or out of place. This is further compounded for women who not only feel like they don’t fit in due to gender differences, but also due to intersectional elements. For a woman like Sneha, her Indian heritage compounds the feeling of not belonging — it’s another difference that sets her apart from others.
Many women in my community tell me that they are still often the only woman in meetings, often mistaken for someone more junior and have to fight tooth and nail to get respect, to be heard, to be seen. They are being told by every slight or micro aggression ‘you don’t belong here’, whether it’s intended or not. It leads to a compounding feeling of always being on the outside, not being part of ‘the club’ and searching for her place and her worth.
Key characteristics of the Outsider
- Persistent pursuit of belonging: The Outsider is driven by a persistent pursuit to belong in settings where she is the minority or feels different from others. She often goes to great lengths to gain acceptance and validation from others.
- Feeling out of place: She often experiences a sense of being out of place or different from the people around her. This feeling of ‘otherness’ can result in self-doubt and disengagement, especially at work when she doesn’t feel she belongs or isn’t accepted for who she is.
- Underlying need to prove herself: The Outsider often feels the need to prove her capabilities, and herself, so that she can fit in. This can lead to overwork or over compensating in an effort to prove that she is worthy to others.
- Questioning her worthiness: When she is on the outside looking in, she often questions her own self-worth and abilities. This flares up her inner critic narrative, dropping her confidence and making her sit on the sidelines.
- Advocating for others: Because the Outsider often feels like she doesn’t have a place, she will often strive to create teams and environments where others feel welcome. She may be a strong advocate for diversity and inclusion at work or community at home.
- Navigating her identity: She questions her identity as she navigates questions of belonging and not fitting in. She feels this strongly in settings where her background or situation as well as her gender are different from others and she stands out.
- A sense of isolation: It can be lonely constantly being on the outside, and she often feels isolated and as though she doesn’t belong. She may change teams or companies when it gets too much, in her constant search to find her place, her people and to be seen.
Light side
- High empathy: Her experience of being an outsider leads to strong empathy and understanding for others who may feel the same.
- Resilience: The Outsider’s agility in navigating people and situations builds her resilience and adaptability.
- Advocate for inclusion: She works to create environments where everyone feels like they belong and are welcome.
- Fresh perspective: Her unique background and difference from others bring a new perspective and fresh ideas to situations.
- Insightful observer: The Outsider’s position allows her to observe dynamics and details that others may overlook.
Shadow side
- Seeking validation: The Outsider’s need for acceptance can result in constantly seeking external validation.
- Overcompensating: She can overcompensate by trying too hard, or working excessive hours to prove herself, leading to burnout.
- Emotional exhaustion: Her constant search for approval and belonging can lead to emotional and mental exhaustion.
- Disengagement: She may not participate fully in situations where she feels a strong sense of ‘otherness’.
- Low confidence: When she feels out of place, she can struggle with self-doubt and insecurity about herself and her abilities.
Inner critic’s influence
The Outsider’s inner critic can be relentless, telling her, ‘You’re different. They won’t understand or accept you’, and ‘You don’t belong; no-one wants you here’. This inner critic narrative makes the Outsider believe that her uniqueness is a liability, not an asset, and something to be masked, not celebrated.
This erosion of confidence can manifest in various ways. Women may hesitate to voice their ideas, fearing rejection or ridicule. They may downplay their achievements or qualifications, fearing they may be seen as bragging or overcompensating. They may also find themselves constantly trying to prove their worth or competence, leading to increased stress and potential burnout.
The inner critic can transform these feelings of alienation into a self-imposed barrier to progress and success. Women may pass up opportunities for advancement, believing they don’t truly belong in higher positions. They may shy away from networking opportunities, fearing they won’t be accepted or included.
Her negative inner voice makes her feel as though she needs to constantly prove herself and her worth when she feels like she is different to others, and plays up loudly at work when she is a minority in the room or team.
Written by Megan Dalla-Camina.
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